My mobile just dropped the call with my mom – or maybe skype dropped the call on her side. Either way, I’m left waiting for it to ring again so we can continue the conversation at the point when we were agreeing that I am indeed getting old.
I’m supposed to go on this cycling trip and I’m about 2 weeks, 1 week, or just 3 days late from leaving. However, I can be sure there are 4 more days to add to the delay – at least. I can’t seem to get myself to buy a train ticket north. I got my bike tuned up today and even drug my 3 kilos of motorist atlas along for the overnight stay in Yarmouth… but didn’t even crack a page to start highlighting a route. What is my problem?
This trip has been on my mind all year long. I packed my cycle tour gear back in September when I made the move fully intending to put it to use sometime within the 12 months. I originally wanted to cycle Scotland in July and then take a major journey through Europe once the Masters program was over. All this fell apart for two reasons. The first being that writing a dissertation is much more time consuming (mainly slow-going for procrastination/motivation reasons) that one expects. The second is that the main thing I want in life right now is to be with my new sweetheart. He is from Africa, I am from North America and it seems Europe is most hospitable to our being together. To do this we must get post study work visas for the UK and to do that we must not leave the island until we have them in our little hands. We’re talking January people (if we’re lucky)! So I’ve taken to calling the island… Alcatraz.
I’m getting old because without my will or consent I’ve begun to seriously re-prioritise things. I’m beginning to think that a solo cycle trip is careless at best and reckless at worst. How can I go on a vacation when I’m already in the red and have no job to return to? Why would I go on holiday without my sweetheart when all I really want to do is be with him all-of-the-time? Is it right to experience yet another great adventure by myself? I’ve thought recently about all the amazing things I’ve done due to, yes, a lot of hard work and courage, but also just because I’m lucky and privileged enough. And I realise my dear has not been able to do these things and that I so badly want him to experience it too. I want to show him all the great things in Europe – the cathedrals and castles and cuisine. He’s never been in any mountains and I want him to experience the wonder of getting above a tree line amongst jagged rock. And his clothes, oh dear, he doesn’t own a scrap of high-tech gear.. no polypro, merino, or gore. [At this juncture I begin to ponder what kind of match we make and just how far one can extend to meet the cultural divide]
Of course its ridiculous to think I can or should try to replicate my memories for him – that’s not possible and I don’t really want a re-do. I want new memories, new adventures, but no longer as the solo wanderer. I’ve gotten a lot of flack over the years about my traveling solo. I’ve never been willing to just wait around for a travelling buddy to arrive and so I go it alone. But presently……… I just can’t help but be seriously frustrated at the Universe! I finally have someone I want very much to travel with and yet circumstances dictate he stay home. ACK!
At two months into the relationship it dawned on me that I’ve never been in a relationship before. The others were short affairs filled with childishness and trauma. But being with this man, oh goodness, its a partnership that’s been so quickly built on a lot of solid reality. It’s hard – damn hard. My ideals are being challenged especially my feminist values. While some stand.. others are becoming quite pliable. When it gets particularly difficult I start getting a little feisty and imagine myself shoving my feet in the sand trying with all my might to keep the ocean from stealing the grains from around my toes. I then mutter to myself about how great I am being single. How for 10 years I’ve been perfecting the art of single-hood to the point that I’m a master, an expert, a guru! And now what – I must start all over again figuring out how to be in a relationship?! Will this take another 10 years? [Don’t worry, I’m already seeing how learning to be a good partner is a process that will continue for the rest of life].
And so I ponder about how this could be my last time playing the role of the single girl that I fiercely love. Pretty soon (like seriously. soon!) I will have to finish up the last page of this decade’s scrapbook and pull out a new blank one. Oooh, those blank pages representing the hopeful unknown – yikes, scary.
So do I stay or do I go?
Kymberly Dawn 